El Bachelor Reaches Schmuckasaurus Stature During the Final Rose Ratings Bonanza.

Posted on March 11, 2014 Updated on March 25, 2014

SPOILER ALERT:  If you have not watched the final episode of Juan Pablo’s season on “The Bachelor”, please stop reading now.

In one of the most bizarre, yet strangely entertaining seasons of The Bachelor, we arrived at the Come-to-Jesus…I mean “The Final Rose” show.  To this point, Juan Pablo was rejected by two contestants who left the show, rather than being eliminated by him, and summarily dismissed any woman who asked him anything deeper than “would you like fries with that?”  The finale became the battle of the blondes – Nikki, the Pediatric Nurse and Clare, the hairstylist.

Last week we learned that there may have been a more intimate moment between Juan Pablo and Clare, that he disclosed (bragged about) when he spent time with Andi in the Fantasy Suite.  Whatever was said, was bad enough to have Andi rip into Juan Pablo and and walk off the show.

Ironically, he tweeted “The day has COME… Finally TODAY the soap opera comes to an END… 😃” and “The END of Mi Aventura STARTS now on ABC…” before tonight’s show aired.  Soap opera?  Aventura?  Oh, boy.  We knew the man was clueless, but surely someone at ABC could have found him a publicist, or at least a keeper?  Naw, Juan Pablo went rogue.  And it was priceless.

It was no surprise to anyone, but Clare, when Juan Pablo told her he was not choosing her.  After letting the woman declare her love for him, he made some awkward comments about friendship and leaned in, presumably, to hug her.  Clare, held up her hand, told him off and walked away.  In doing so, she earned my respect but she could have saved herself the heartache by listening to her oldest sister who expressed her “displeasure” at the Juan Pablo’s lack of commitment, during the Hometown Dates.   I am sure the women meant to say, “run away from Schmuckasaurus as fast as you can.”  His comments to host Chris Harrison, as he discussed Clare’s exit were truly cringe-worthy and there were audible groans from the studio audience.  Clare chose not want to “reunite” with Juan Pablo during the live show and indicated that he made some deeply inappropriate sexual comments he made about their time together..  In his defense, being a class act was never part of his skill set.

At this point in the show, I was laughing and hoping (praying) that Nikki would follow Clare’s lead and dump Juan Pablo on his tightly sculpted ass.  Alas, it was not to be, as she also professed her love for him.  Typically, this is where the Bachelor would drop to one knee and propose to the last woman standing.   Juan Pablo however, not only did not reciprocate in telling Nikki he loved her, he took it one step further.  He actually told Nikki he had a ring in his pocket, but was not going to give it to anyone.  Instead, he offered her a rose, to continue dating and “getting to know each other,” apparently.  Nikki accepted the rose, but confusion and hurt were evident on her face – to everyone, except Clueless JP.    It was uncomfortable to watch and I am sure rather unpleasant to participate in, or see your loved one go through.

Once this “Final Rose” debacle ended, the live “After the Rose” show started.  My live tweet during this portion, as I stared, open-mouthed, at the continuing train wreck, was Chris Harrison should get hazard pay for Juan Pablo’s season. Welcome to Planet Hot Mess.  I sincerely believed Juan Pablo was planning to defend himself and his actions, because he was embarrassed at how he was portrayed on the show.  In fact, he seemed to have a statement prepared about his home country, Venezuela, and the political unrest there.  What he, and many others on reality TV shows, failed to realize was that the show aired the footage it had.  In other words, they showed the world what he said and how he behaved.   Of course it was edited for television, but they did not create something out of nothing.  He became flustered and angry as he referred to drastic changes in his and Nikki’s plans, and whatever the “big surprise” was that they teased at each commercial break, was never revealed.   (He likely promised the producers a declaration of love or proposal for air time.)

“After the Rose,” also featured some of the previous contestants, including Sean and Catherine, whose wedding was televised a few weeks ago.  Also in attendance were Desiree and Chris, from the most recent “The Bachelorette,” where Juan Pablo was “discovered,” incidentally.   As Juan Pablo continued to dig himself a shallow, then exceedingly deeper grave, the other contestants and Chris Harrison tried, in vain, to throw him a lifeline.  He was given prompt after prompt to declare his love for Nikki on television, and the idiot refused to do so, citing “privacy.”    When Sean pointed out that reality TV stars had no privacy, Juan Pablo proceeded to insult them. He then, turned on Sean, who had, until that very show been his ally.  The quote of the night goes to Catherine, who said “Don’t slap the hand that fed you.”  Someone actually had to explain this to Juan Pablo, during the show.   I was hyperventilating, I was laughing so hard.

But, “Betches Love This,” capture the essence of the episode so well in The Best After The Final Rose Ceremony Recap You’ll Ever Read.

We learned two things tonight.  Just because a man is attractive does not mean he is intelligent, has substance or sensitivity.  And, finally,  ratings for the next Bachelorette, starring Andi Dorfmann, will be through the roof.

I invite you watch along with me.

Update (March 12th):  Juan Pablo wrote a blog for People Magazine that is, according to his tweets, being held up by ABC’s production crew.  Additionally, there seems to have been a “privacy pact” of sorts between the “character” of Juan Pablo and Nikki Ferrell.  He refused to profess his love on television, but did not mind doing so via his “Adventures in Loving You” YouTube video.  Bizarre.  I hope he realizes that all that ABC footage of him and Nikki is property of ABC Network, not him.