EmilyWrites’ Glorious Review of the new Tarzan movie

Posted on July 9, 2016 Updated on October 11, 2016

Dear Emily,

I appreciate you for hurling yourself, selflessly, albeit a bit wined-up, into a PG-13 movie to provide us such a valuable Movie Review.  Furthermore, I am grateful to know  that Samuel L. Jackson was cast in some type of speaking part, because he’s a fabulous actor – even when he’s not enquiring about the contents of my wallet.

Then you focus on the most important, nay…VITAL, aspects of the film.  Alexander Skarsgard, his hair, his eyes, his abs, his ability to effortlessly act without wearing a shirt.  Bravo! These are life-altering and riveting moments, necessary to the plot, and our very lives.

I wept, like a wee babe, as I read your description of his V. This V provided silent, yet crucial support to Alex, as he stood shirtless, spoke shirtless, swung on vines shirtless, and perspired, again…shirtless.  If the V does not receive an OSCAR nomination for Best Supporting Actor, it will be a travesty, not unlike, when Steven Spielberg was overlooked by The Academy, for his block-buster movie franchises.  The V is, clearly, the unselfish, unsung hero of the movie.  Talent like that will not go unnoticed.

This is the best movie review ever, in the history of the world.  I laughed. I cried. It was better than “Cats.”

I raise my own glass of Malbec to you.

Regards,

Michelle

In all fairness, my tears may have been alcohol-induced or an allergic reaction due to the unfortunate “wasp incident” in my backyard, a little while ago.

For the sake of this post, we’ll just go with “the review brought me to tears.”

And, what is it about New Zealanders and their intrepid storytelling skills? Yes, Hayson Manning I am speaking to you, my Kiwi goddess.